Welcome Eagles Fans
First and foremost a big congratulations to the players on their recent victory over the Fight and gallant loss to arch rival the DC Slayers.
Well done boys! Looks like you'll miss out on the finals by a bee's dick, which is quite a feat for a club in it's first season.
Now on to the facts
Oh Dear Min....
Min Sae Chae/Cumof Sum YungBoi... or 'New Tuck' certainly posed an interesting hypothetical on the weekend... one that most men find so utterly repulsive that they can't manage to make a decision one way or the other.
Because I find it pretty reprehensible let's just put it this way. If there wasn't a choice...life or death, would you take ass or mouth?
Pretty sickening stuff right? Friar Tuck sick right?
What most players didn't need to hear though is Jason 'JC' Mayhugh's deep level of thought into the issue.
Having obviously watched one too many Jenna Jameson flicks JC chose to go the pillow biting route as, quote : "if you were on your knees you would have to look up at them as you were doing it and stare into their eyes. I'm not really sure if I'm about that. A person's eyes are the level on which you make a connection. It'd make it an intimate experience. It'd be too gay. I'd have to get pounded I think."....
Yes Jason, that may very well be true, but it is a hell of a lot less gay than that statement you just made.
Congrats JC...a career as a fluffer no doubt awaits you.
Captain Courageous
The Nest would like to congratulate James 'Chemo' Lewis on assuming the captaincy against the Bulls from Mikey Zelinsky who was out of action with a case of black balls.
In what is likely to be his only outing as captain, Lewis bravely inspired the Eagles to their worst ever loss in an 88-0 hammering.
Well done Chemo!
Simply inspirational stuff.
No You Shut Up
Coach for the day Mikey Zelinsky came off second best in a battle of high stake witty remarks with a Aston Bulls dunce last weekend.
College graduate Zelinsky was simply no match for the Aston Bulls sideline pundit.
The 40 year old elementary school student completed outclassed Zelinsky in the battle of wits as the pair traded insults. Zelinsky put his loss in the verbal stoush down to his understanding that only sticks and stones could break his bones, and a rock solid belief that he was rubber and that other guy was glue.
No doubt Mikey will think twice before taking on someone with a 4th grade reading level again!
Give that Man a Pabst
This weeks refreshing Pabst goes to club Prima Donna, John "If you call me a Prima Donna again I'll quit the club...no I won't do anymore push ups" Young.
Young finally decided to roll up his sleeves against the bulls rather than just being content with combing his hair and looking pretty on the wing. In the process of actually trying, John turned in a very good on field performance and figured out he had some rugby league ability.
Much to The Nest's astonishment Young earned himself the club's prestigious player of the week award...and thus some begrudging 'praise' in this blog.
So yeah...well done John. Good stuff.
In all seriousness though the club would like to thank John for changing his mind about defecting to the the DC slayers. Without you John, the club wouldn't have an example of what a good trainer isn't.
So thanks for that John. Very noble of you to grace us with your presence.
Now drop and give me Twenty!
Peg Leg Scot
The flying Scotsman Steven Grant has been tragically cut down by a broken leg. Grant suffered the injury in the clubs heavy loss against the Bulls last weekend.
The Scot is said to be recovering well at home, and is reportedly happy that he now has a viable excuse for refusing to help out with any household chores. Mrs Grant is also no doubt equally pleased to have some respite from being mounted by a hairy kilted bear on a nightly basis.
Privately club officials are hoping that this injury may drive Grant into retirement to stop him from selecting himself every week.
As a fan one can only hope.
Super Size My Soft Serve
The Nest has been inundated with consistent reports of Dain 'Soft Serve' Bentley terrorizing a DC McDonald's early last Sunday morning.
Bentley apparently had gone on a religious quest for a late night soft serve ice cream (as you do...if you're 2 years old and teething) that in the end yielded no result.
Unfortunately for Bentley they just don't serve ice cream in a cone past 2am.
After abusing the ordering electronic voting booth an outraged Bentley reportedly was seen bashing on the service window demanding that the (quote) "beaners" inside give him a soft serve out of the machine...or else he'd have to exercise his 2nd amendment rights, or at the very least would need to see work permits. Tough words indeed from a man more used to having his ass handed to him on a consistent basis than not.
After eventually being talked down from pistols at dawn, Bentley was later seen at a local all night 7-11 fist deep in a tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice-Cream whilst chatting amicably with a couple of women old enough to be his mother.
Why he chose to eat the ice-cream with his bare hands remains a mystery.
The working theory at this stage - based on the amount of ice cream visible on Bentley's hands, shirt and face - was that he was trying to trigger the maternal instinct in the two cougars in the hope that they would take him home.
What Bentley failed to realize is that post menopausal women are unlikely to have the desire or need for a ice-creamed covered baby to get into their car, small penis or not.
Rumors that Bentley was spotted in a late night Dairy Queen at Jersey Shore have been flooding in....stay tuned on that one.
Chad C#$@pepper....
Well it had to happen again....
Without getting into too much detail, because frankly I've wasted far too many kilobytes of precious internet space on this character, here is a brief run down of Pinky's night at the shore:
1. Get belligerently drunk
2. Chase every good looking girl off the dance floor
3. Chase every moderately attractive girl off the dance floor
4. Chase every horror story off the dance floor.
5. Call a girl a C word
6. End up nose to beak (his) with said C word
7. End up back to ground after C word has just broken your beak for the umpteenth time.
8. Apologize meekly to C word that she really isn't a C word after all...
Yes, according to reports, getting dominated by his fellow team mates in wrestling matches just isn't enough for Pinky after a drinking session. He also enjoys being knocked out by 95 pound blonde's who then force him to apologize to their friends as a pastime.
Pinky no doubt really is the kind of cast-iron jaw fella that Salt and Peppa were singing about in "What a Man"
So there it is folks....
Yet another week, yet another Eagle drama.
Seems this club, and some players in particular, just can't stay out of the headlines.
Until next time.
The Nest
xoxo
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The Nest Report - 17 July 2008
Welcome to The Nest Eagles Fans
After a slightly disappointing outing against the Sharks last weekend the team is said to be in high spirits for this weeks clash against the league leading Bulls.
Good luck to the boys and lets hope you can spring an upset!
And the hits just keep on coming...
For for fast talking Kevin Campbell that is. Campbell was opened up like a brief case over his left eye on the weekend by a Shark's player's 'elbow charge' gone 'wrong' (or right?). Fortunately for Campbell the club's own medical officer/player Beaker was on hand to stitch him up on the sidelines whilst still in full playing gear.
What this does for Campbell's PBRanking is unclear - though it seems that once and for the myth that 'chicks dig scars' can finally be disproved once and for all.
Give That Man a Pabst
Congratulations to club baby and prodigious talent Naysan Eshragi on winning his first man of the match award for the season. Naysan showed plenty of courage at the weekend and probably just edged out his opposing rival in the rat-tail-off.
Keep 'em coming Naysan....and get a hair cut!
Seeing Double...
Just what is it about the power of the rat's tail? Call it co-incidence if you may, but onlookers were certainly left scratching their heads when the man of the match from both the Sharks and the Eagles were both seen sporting rat's tails at the post match function.
Given the superstitious nature of many players in the league, don't be surprised to see more players adopting the sexy new, and seemingly magical. look.
I have it on good authority that Dain Bentley has been secretly praying to the rat's tail Gods in the hope of a set of hands to call his own.
Once You Go Black...
Club Captain Mikey Zelinsky has finally able to live out his fantasy of having a visible penis on his person. After taking an almighty blow to the nether regions on the weekend, Zelinsky was said to have been left sporting a penis that only team mate Bucket Ass Tim could topple in color..
Unfortunately for Zelinski whilst he may have received a little black ink in his pen, it didn't help inflate the over all figure.
The Marathon Man
Jeff 'The Silver Fox' Bush stunned all Eagles players and fans when he was able to complete a full game of rugby league without substitution on the weekend. In what was a truly inspirational piece of endurance Bush was able to play without the aid of his walking frame and did not need to come off once to use his respirator.
Bush was a huge hit with the lone 75 year old female sitting in the stands as he showed the boys in the league that he's still got the hip swivel and hot step that made him a household name in US Rugby back in the 1940's.
Well done Bush! You and an inspiration to pensioners everywhere.
Grey is the New Black.
Whilst on Bush, The Nest has it on good authority that Bush and his notorious offsiders Kris Shwartz and John O'Donnell were involved in a physical altercation in a local Herndon bar at the weekend with three men from a neighboring state.
Tensions apparently boiled over when Bush pointed out that the classic 'no toothed mullet' the 3 West Virgina men in question were sporting would be far more 'magical' as rat's tails.
Man Mountain Kris was soon being subdued from the vice like death grip he had on one of the hill billies by Bush who then escorted him outside in order to calm hostilities. Conversely OD, being a man of negotiation, was forced to give up 'that there purdi Eagle shirt you be sportin' in order to get out of the bar in one piece. Courageous.
Just a couple of young 45+ year old bucks blowing off a little steam on a Saturday night hey gents?
They Can't Run Without Legs
Club debutant Chad 'Hands' Metcalfe certainly took the old Rugby League adage to new heights on the weekend when he performed what can only be described as a cannon ball tackle on his opposing front rower. Having earlier been bumped off for going high, Metcalfe launched himself in spectacular fashion, knocking his opponent over like a tenpin. The sight of Metcalfe performing that tackle was a great deal better than that of him running around the field shirtless, sporting his now trade mark wife beater tan.
Mmmmm Sexy.
Ok fans
That is all for this week.
Before sure to check in next week to find out whether Butter Ball's speaking ban has been lifted and just how few minutes JC played.
If you hear any Eagles rumors - true or false - be sure to let me know!
The Nest
Over and Out
After a slightly disappointing outing against the Sharks last weekend the team is said to be in high spirits for this weeks clash against the league leading Bulls.
Good luck to the boys and lets hope you can spring an upset!
And the hits just keep on coming...
For for fast talking Kevin Campbell that is. Campbell was opened up like a brief case over his left eye on the weekend by a Shark's player's 'elbow charge' gone 'wrong' (or right?). Fortunately for Campbell the club's own medical officer/player Beaker was on hand to stitch him up on the sidelines whilst still in full playing gear.
What this does for Campbell's PBRanking is unclear - though it seems that once and for the myth that 'chicks dig scars' can finally be disproved once and for all.
Give That Man a Pabst
Congratulations to club baby and prodigious talent Naysan Eshragi on winning his first man of the match award for the season. Naysan showed plenty of courage at the weekend and probably just edged out his opposing rival in the rat-tail-off.
Keep 'em coming Naysan....and get a hair cut!
Seeing Double...
Just what is it about the power of the rat's tail? Call it co-incidence if you may, but onlookers were certainly left scratching their heads when the man of the match from both the Sharks and the Eagles were both seen sporting rat's tails at the post match function.
Given the superstitious nature of many players in the league, don't be surprised to see more players adopting the sexy new, and seemingly magical. look.
I have it on good authority that Dain Bentley has been secretly praying to the rat's tail Gods in the hope of a set of hands to call his own.
Once You Go Black...
Club Captain Mikey Zelinsky has finally able to live out his fantasy of having a visible penis on his person. After taking an almighty blow to the nether regions on the weekend, Zelinsky was said to have been left sporting a penis that only team mate Bucket Ass Tim could topple in color..
Unfortunately for Zelinski whilst he may have received a little black ink in his pen, it didn't help inflate the over all figure.
The Marathon Man
Jeff 'The Silver Fox' Bush stunned all Eagles players and fans when he was able to complete a full game of rugby league without substitution on the weekend. In what was a truly inspirational piece of endurance Bush was able to play without the aid of his walking frame and did not need to come off once to use his respirator.
Bush was a huge hit with the lone 75 year old female sitting in the stands as he showed the boys in the league that he's still got the hip swivel and hot step that made him a household name in US Rugby back in the 1940's.
Well done Bush! You and an inspiration to pensioners everywhere.
Grey is the New Black.
Whilst on Bush, The Nest has it on good authority that Bush and his notorious offsiders Kris Shwartz and John O'Donnell were involved in a physical altercation in a local Herndon bar at the weekend with three men from a neighboring state.
Tensions apparently boiled over when Bush pointed out that the classic 'no toothed mullet' the 3 West Virgina men in question were sporting would be far more 'magical' as rat's tails.
Man Mountain Kris was soon being subdued from the vice like death grip he had on one of the hill billies by Bush who then escorted him outside in order to calm hostilities. Conversely OD, being a man of negotiation, was forced to give up 'that there purdi Eagle shirt you be sportin' in order to get out of the bar in one piece. Courageous.
Just a couple of young 45+ year old bucks blowing off a little steam on a Saturday night hey gents?
They Can't Run Without Legs
Club debutant Chad 'Hands' Metcalfe certainly took the old Rugby League adage to new heights on the weekend when he performed what can only be described as a cannon ball tackle on his opposing front rower. Having earlier been bumped off for going high, Metcalfe launched himself in spectacular fashion, knocking his opponent over like a tenpin. The sight of Metcalfe performing that tackle was a great deal better than that of him running around the field shirtless, sporting his now trade mark wife beater tan.
Mmmmm Sexy.
Ok fans
That is all for this week.
Before sure to check in next week to find out whether Butter Ball's speaking ban has been lifted and just how few minutes JC played.
If you hear any Eagles rumors - true or false - be sure to let me know!
The Nest
Over and Out
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Nest Report - 8 July 2007
Welcome Eagles Fans
After a tumultuous few weeks which involved a non-game against the Slayers and a 4th of July weekend break, it is good to see things are slowly returning to normality for the Eagles.
The Eagles are away this week and will look to notch their second win of the season and get their fledgling AMNRL season back on track after the recent disruptions.
Give That Man a Pabst
The club would like to congratulate resident fat ass Joey 'My Other Boyfriend hasn't got an Adam's apple I swear' Tropea on his selection in a US representative rugby union squad.
Whilst this will effect his ability to train with the Eagles the club fully supports his pursuit of higher honors. Club officials assure me that his unavailability for training will not effect his status with the club as it only confirms what a soft marshmallow dumpling of a man he is for playing the 'other' code.
Congratulations Chops!
Scottish Bells A' Ringin'
Further congratulations from the club go out to club President Steven Grant who has headed back to his Scottish homeland to elope with his long term partner. After a short seven year period of convincing from his partner Grant was reportedly eager to tie the knot before his hairline receded back past his neck.
Grant was said to be absolutely beaming as he was, in Scottish tradition, given away by his Father to the sound of a blazing bag pipe choir and Mel Gibson shouting "Freedom" . The other Scottish tradition of the lifting of the veiled kilt was something that most in attendance could have done without.
What this does mean is that Grant is able to stay in the US on a permanent basis, something many citizens were keen to avoid.
High Praise
Pinky Culpepper was allegedly spotted in a Clarendon night spot offering some friendly advice to the young professionals of the area. Eagle Man understand that Culpepper has since backed away from his comments to a young prosecutor who Culpepper now insists does not hate her job, did not attend a quote 'shitty' law school and is not a C...word.
Whether or not this happened before or after Culpepper was spotted throwing up at the bar is unclear at the present moment.
Yankee Doodle Dainy
In order to lift the spirits of his nation and to revive the flagging prospects of the GOP at the coming elections club gun slinger Dain 'Centrist' Bentley entertained a host of people with his Uncle Sam uniform at recent 4 July celebrations in north west DC.
Bentley was seen screaming "I want you" at a bunch of confused college girl ivory tower elitists who, according to Uncle Dain, were no doubt on their way to a flag burning ceremony where raging liberals would figure out ways to waste more and more of his tax dollars.
Dain then celebrated his successful exercising of his third amendments rights by ensuring that no soldiers were quartered in his house upon his return.
Love is in the Air
Rumors persist that club serial pest and sometimes player Sean Millar and a certain low profile Herdon bartender are an official lovey dovey item. Millar was unavailable for comment, so we'll comment for him and confirm the whole thing. It only seems fair.
Sources indicate that Millar was spotted shopping for a tandem bike and his n her helmets - which only add more fuel to the story.
Will he be the next Eagle to wed? Perhaps not, but no doubt Steve Grant has his ceremonial kilt at the ready.
Stupid Hair Cuts - A Tale of Warning
Not to be outdone by Christian Seabass' ridiculous hair cut the previous week Kevin 'Soup Can' Campbell took it upon himself to enter into the race to the bottom of the PBRankings.
Campbell showed up to the game sporting a landing strip on his head that his local Brazilian waxer and beautician would have been proud of in an attempt to look 'mean'. Unfortunately for Campbell the plan backfired when he was arrested for loitering out of the front of the Holocaust Museum. Campbell's publicist Mel Gibson has labeled the charges of inciting racism and hatred as 'ridiculous' and all part of a broader plot to discredit white Americans.
The Nest would like to come to Campbell's defense and put this on the record. Whilst he might look tough and intimidating, he really is just a big fairy.
It will be interesting to see how the battle for the wooden spoon of sexual icons plays out within the Eagles this year. There are plenty of favorites emerging already. My tip - The dark horse could very well be Dain Bentley....he's not pretty.
Whilst on Campbell...
The up shoot in burglaries, petty crime and car jacking since Campbell's July 4 weekend return to the 'greatest city in the world' aka Pittsburgh has been played down as coincidental by the club. The Nest would like to once again submit the fairy defense on Campbell's behalf.
Well there you have it folks, a slightly quieter week for the Eagles players, no doubt mostly to do with Steve Grant's overseas lovers jaunt and Andrew Reddy's quiet weekend away to couple's resort in North Carolina - Who did he go with? Find out next week.
Good luck to the team this week!
The Nest Out!
After a tumultuous few weeks which involved a non-game against the Slayers and a 4th of July weekend break, it is good to see things are slowly returning to normality for the Eagles.
The Eagles are away this week and will look to notch their second win of the season and get their fledgling AMNRL season back on track after the recent disruptions.
Give That Man a Pabst
The club would like to congratulate resident fat ass Joey 'My Other Boyfriend hasn't got an Adam's apple I swear' Tropea on his selection in a US representative rugby union squad.
Whilst this will effect his ability to train with the Eagles the club fully supports his pursuit of higher honors. Club officials assure me that his unavailability for training will not effect his status with the club as it only confirms what a soft marshmallow dumpling of a man he is for playing the 'other' code.
Congratulations Chops!
Scottish Bells A' Ringin'
Further congratulations from the club go out to club President Steven Grant who has headed back to his Scottish homeland to elope with his long term partner. After a short seven year period of convincing from his partner Grant was reportedly eager to tie the knot before his hairline receded back past his neck.
Grant was said to be absolutely beaming as he was, in Scottish tradition, given away by his Father to the sound of a blazing bag pipe choir and Mel Gibson shouting "Freedom" . The other Scottish tradition of the lifting of the veiled kilt was something that most in attendance could have done without.
What this does mean is that Grant is able to stay in the US on a permanent basis, something many citizens were keen to avoid.
High Praise
Pinky Culpepper was allegedly spotted in a Clarendon night spot offering some friendly advice to the young professionals of the area. Eagle Man understand that Culpepper has since backed away from his comments to a young prosecutor who Culpepper now insists does not hate her job, did not attend a quote 'shitty' law school and is not a C...word.
Whether or not this happened before or after Culpepper was spotted throwing up at the bar is unclear at the present moment.
Yankee Doodle Dainy
In order to lift the spirits of his nation and to revive the flagging prospects of the GOP at the coming elections club gun slinger Dain 'Centrist' Bentley entertained a host of people with his Uncle Sam uniform at recent 4 July celebrations in north west DC.
Bentley was seen screaming "I want you" at a bunch of confused college girl ivory tower elitists who, according to Uncle Dain, were no doubt on their way to a flag burning ceremony where raging liberals would figure out ways to waste more and more of his tax dollars.
Dain then celebrated his successful exercising of his third amendments rights by ensuring that no soldiers were quartered in his house upon his return.
Love is in the Air
Rumors persist that club serial pest and sometimes player Sean Millar and a certain low profile Herdon bartender are an official lovey dovey item. Millar was unavailable for comment, so we'll comment for him and confirm the whole thing. It only seems fair.
Sources indicate that Millar was spotted shopping for a tandem bike and his n her helmets - which only add more fuel to the story.
Will he be the next Eagle to wed? Perhaps not, but no doubt Steve Grant has his ceremonial kilt at the ready.
Stupid Hair Cuts - A Tale of Warning
Not to be outdone by Christian Seabass' ridiculous hair cut the previous week Kevin 'Soup Can' Campbell took it upon himself to enter into the race to the bottom of the PBRankings.
Campbell showed up to the game sporting a landing strip on his head that his local Brazilian waxer and beautician would have been proud of in an attempt to look 'mean'. Unfortunately for Campbell the plan backfired when he was arrested for loitering out of the front of the Holocaust Museum. Campbell's publicist Mel Gibson has labeled the charges of inciting racism and hatred as 'ridiculous' and all part of a broader plot to discredit white Americans.
The Nest would like to come to Campbell's defense and put this on the record. Whilst he might look tough and intimidating, he really is just a big fairy.
It will be interesting to see how the battle for the wooden spoon of sexual icons plays out within the Eagles this year. There are plenty of favorites emerging already. My tip - The dark horse could very well be Dain Bentley....he's not pretty.
Whilst on Campbell...
The up shoot in burglaries, petty crime and car jacking since Campbell's July 4 weekend return to the 'greatest city in the world' aka Pittsburgh has been played down as coincidental by the club. The Nest would like to once again submit the fairy defense on Campbell's behalf.
Well there you have it folks, a slightly quieter week for the Eagles players, no doubt mostly to do with Steve Grant's overseas lovers jaunt and Andrew Reddy's quiet weekend away to couple's resort in North Carolina - Who did he go with? Find out next week.
Good luck to the team this week!
The Nest Out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
