The Nest Report - 29 July 2008

Welcome Eagles Fans

First and foremost a big congratulations to the players on their recent victory over the Fight and gallant loss to arch rival the DC Slayers.

Well done boys! Looks like you'll miss out on the finals by a bee's dick, which is quite a feat for a club in it's first season.

Now on to the facts


Oh Dear Min....

Min Sae Chae/Cumof Sum YungBoi... or 'New Tuck' certainly posed an interesting hypothetical on the weekend... one that most men find so utterly repulsive that they can't manage to make a decision one way or the other.

Because I find it pretty reprehensible let's just put it this way. If there wasn't a choice...life or death, would you take ass or mouth?

Pretty sickening stuff right? Friar Tuck sick right?

What most players didn't need to hear though is Jason 'JC' Mayhugh's deep level of thought into the issue.

Having obviously watched one too many Jenna Jameson flicks JC chose to go the pillow biting route as, quote : "if you were on your knees you would have to look up at them as you were doing it and stare into their eyes. I'm not really sure if I'm about that. A person's eyes are the level on which you make a connection. It'd make it an intimate experience. It'd be too gay. I'd have to get pounded I think."....

Yes Jason, that may very well be true, but it is a hell of a lot less gay than that statement you just made.

Congrats JC...a career as a fluffer no doubt awaits you.


Captain Courageous

The Nest would like to congratulate James 'Chemo' Lewis on assuming the captaincy against the Bulls from Mikey Zelinsky who was out of action with a case of black balls.

In what is likely to be his only outing as captain, Lewis bravely inspired the Eagles to their worst ever loss in an 88-0 hammering.

Well done Chemo!

Simply inspirational stuff.

No You Shut Up

Coach for the day Mikey Zelinsky came off second best in a battle of high stake witty remarks with a Aston Bulls dunce last weekend.

College graduate Zelinsky was simply no match for the Aston Bulls sideline pundit.

The 40 year old elementary school student completed outclassed Zelinsky in the battle of wits as the pair traded insults. Zelinsky put his loss in the verbal stoush down to his understanding that only sticks and stones could break his bones, and a rock solid belief that he was rubber and that other guy was glue.

No doubt Mikey will think twice before taking on someone with a 4th grade reading level again!


Give that Man a Pabst

This weeks refreshing Pabst goes to club Prima Donna, John "If you call me a Prima Donna again I'll quit the club...no I won't do anymore push ups" Young.

Young finally decided to roll up his sleeves against the bulls rather than just being content with combing his hair and looking pretty on the wing. In the process of actually trying, John turned in a very good on field performance and figured out he had some rugby league ability.

Much to The Nest's astonishment Young earned himself the club's prestigious player of the week award...and thus some begrudging 'praise' in this blog.

So yeah...well done John. Good stuff.

In all seriousness though the club would like to thank John for changing his mind about defecting to the the DC slayers. Without you John, the club wouldn't have an example of what a good trainer isn't.

So thanks for that John. Very noble of you to grace us with your presence.

Now drop and give me Twenty!

Peg Leg Scot

The flying Scotsman Steven Grant has been tragically cut down by a broken leg. Grant suffered the injury in the clubs heavy loss against the Bulls last weekend.

The Scot is said to be recovering well at home, and is reportedly happy that he now has a viable excuse for refusing to help out with any household chores. Mrs Grant is also no doubt equally pleased to have some respite from being mounted by a hairy kilted bear on a nightly basis.

Privately club officials are hoping that this injury may drive Grant into retirement to stop him from selecting himself every week.

As a fan one can only hope.


Super Size My Soft Serve

The Nest has been inundated with consistent reports of Dain 'Soft Serve' Bentley terrorizing a DC McDonald's early last Sunday morning.

Bentley apparently had gone on a religious quest for a late night soft serve ice cream (as you do...if you're 2 years old and teething) that in the end yielded no result.

Unfortunately for Bentley they just don't serve ice cream in a cone past 2am.

After abusing the ordering electronic voting booth an outraged Bentley reportedly was seen bashing on the service window demanding that the (quote) "beaners" inside give him a soft serve out of the machine...or else he'd have to exercise his 2nd amendment rights, or at the very least would need to see work permits. Tough words indeed from a man more used to having his ass handed to him on a consistent basis than not.

After eventually being talked down from pistols at dawn, Bentley was later seen at a local all night 7-11 fist deep in a tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice-Cream whilst chatting amicably with a couple of women old enough to be his mother.

Why he chose to eat the ice-cream with his bare hands remains a mystery.

The working theory at this stage - based on the amount of ice cream visible on Bentley's hands, shirt and face - was that he was trying to trigger the maternal instinct in the two cougars in the hope that they would take him home.

What Bentley failed to realize is that post menopausal women are unlikely to have the desire or need for a ice-creamed covered baby to get into their car, small penis or not.

Rumors that Bentley was spotted in a late night Dairy Queen at Jersey Shore have been flooding in....stay tuned on that one.


Chad C#$@pepper....

Well it had to happen again....

Without getting into too much detail, because frankly I've wasted far too many kilobytes of precious internet space on this character, here is a brief run down of Pinky's night at the shore:

1. Get belligerently drunk
2. Chase every good looking girl off the dance floor
3. Chase every moderately attractive girl off the dance floor
4. Chase every horror story off the dance floor.
5. Call a girl a C word
6. End up nose to beak (his) with said C word
7. End up back to ground after C word has just broken your beak for the umpteenth time.
8. Apologize meekly to C word that she really isn't a C word after all...

Yes, according to reports, getting dominated by his fellow team mates in wrestling matches just isn't enough for Pinky after a drinking session. He also enjoys being knocked out by 95 pound blonde's who then force him to apologize to their friends as a pastime.

Pinky no doubt really is the kind of cast-iron jaw fella that Salt and Peppa were singing about in "What a Man"


So there it is folks....

Yet another week, yet another Eagle drama.

Seems this club, and some players in particular, just can't stay out of the headlines.

Until next time.

The Nest

xoxo