The Nest - Season Wrap
Well unfortunately for the Fairfax Eagles, their inaugural season has come to an end, with the club missing out on the playoffs on for and against.
The club can be very proud of itself for achieving such a magnificent result in its first year. Judging by the reactions of many of the people through out the AMNRL, the club has earned a lot of respect for what it has achieved in its inaugural season.
To consistently have 25-30 guys at all games truly is a remarkable achievement.
As the club’s biggest fan I have taken it upon myself to deal out some awards that I don’t feel will be recognized in an official capacity by the club
The Sean Millar Award for Mr. Congeniality and Biggest
This award really came down to two Eagle Man ‘favorites’….Sean Millar and Chad P. Carntpepper.
But how does one decide?
How does one balance the over-all doucheiness of Millar vs. the persistent annoyance of a Culpepper.
The Donald Trump hair style vs. The World’s Biggest Beak
Admittedly it might seem as though this award is rigged given that it is named after one of the contestants...
And you could be right…
Or wrong as it were.
Winner: Pinky Culpepper. At the end of the day it was just too hard to go past this guy as the club’s biggest pain in the ass. While Millar admittedly got off to a stellar start, he seemed to drop off the pace as Culpepper came steaming home, abusing women and the elderly on his way as he steamed down the douche-bag home straight and secured ‘victory’.
Millar does pick up the award for “Least Minutes as a Starter” and “Rugby League Tampon”
Toughest Player
Was it Kevin Campbell for being stitched up on the sidelines?
Was it Sea Bass for valiantly playing on despite breaking his nose 47 times?
Was it Pinky “I get knocked out on a tackle by tackle basis” Culpepper?
No.
As it turns out this award goes to a special player. One that silently battled on in the face of a debilitating injury…congratulations go to…
Winner: Jason “BJ” (for obvious reasons…see last weeks post if you’re confused..Butterball you might need your Dad to have that ‘talk’ with you in order to understand) Mayhugh. For those of you who didn’t realise, BJ played the entire season with a strained calf.
No amount of touch football, reading about the injury online , self medication and talking about calf strains ad nauseum could stop BJ from partaking in all fitness drills and team practice sessions.
Well done BJ…you are one tough non-whiney bastard.
BJ Myth Bust: On a quick side note it has filtered back to The Nest that BJ (formerly JC) was heard telling his friend that the reason he used to be called JC..before the ‘incident’…was quote
“Because people see me running at them on the field and say "Jesus Christ", as in they're intimidated by this mighty specimen galloping towards them.”
Please BJ…
Oh and just as a future reference, no teeth. That hurts.
Ridiculous Hair-Style
This really could only be one man.
Whilst many people tried valiantly through out the season to usurp him Naysan Eshraghi has this award sewn up from the minute he stepped foot onto the practice field. What let the other contenders down such as Seamen’s lawn mower do and
No Naysan Eshraghi definitely earned this award through sheer perseverance and an unerring belief that he looked ‘cool’….This despite the fact that on several occasions women were heard to say “eeew” as they walked past him.
Winner: The Mullet Eshraghi.
Naysan also wins the “Nicest Mum that still packs him lunches and kisses him on the forehead every night after reading him Thomas the Tank Engine Award”….phew, quite a mouthful, but a prestigious award none the less.
As a consolation prize Seaman is awarded the “Best Celebrity Impersonation” for his continued refusal to stop looking like Adam Sandler.
The Hands Like Feet Award
Wow….so many top notch contenders here.
You have Danny Hanson who attempted to win the award in his one huge 5 consecutive knock on effort against the Bulls in round two.
You have Butter Ball Shimon and his bouncing breast knock-ons
You have ‘Hands’ Metcalfe and his sheer inability to not stuff up ball work at practice on Thursday nights.
But…it is just simply impossible to go against the true knock-on legend himself. The man that all people that try to be awesome at dropping balls are inevitably compared to…
Take a bow, Mr. Soft Serve Bentley.
Your dedication to unforced handling errors, inability to pass and taped up sleeves to reveal your raisin cannons are an inspiration to AMNRL fans everywhere. Congrats Dain, well earned.
Cutest Couple.
Well arguments could be made here for Chops and Kevin or Min and Andrew (don’t you just think they’d go well together??)
But I think in all fairness we’re going to have to go with Carntpepper and his mystery girlfriend. It comes as great surprise to The Nest that Pinky has been involved in a hot and heavy relationship for almost the duration of the season. This blog prides itself on keeping its ear to the ground on these matters…so when Culpepper was overheard telling fellow Eagle’s players that he had caught “The Love Flu” – as it was just overwhelming his body - he immediately earned this award for himself and his significant other.
Let’s hope that this relationship can “go all the way” with “The One” as Pinky so confidently told everyone at the Post Season Party.
Best Player Over 50
Well..considering we only have one. This is a bit of a fait accompli…
Congratulations Tuck.
Wait? He’s 21??? Bullshit….well he’s still getting the award.
Runner Up: Jeff Bush, for actually being over 50. Tough loss in this award admittedly…but those are the breaks.
The 40/20 Kick Award (Just created in light of new evidence)
Tuck…See Above. Looks 40 (at least), is 20.
Notable mention in this category: Craig Webb. Does anyone even know how old he is…I have had numerous reports, so bar cutting him open and counting the rings inside I’m going to estimate 47
Mr. Casanova Award
We were going to keep the Tuck them going here and simply say either:
a) Tuck for being Tuck or
b) Tuck for that shirt “Drink until you want me”.
However it really has to go to Henry Nowell.
Buying a dog for the express purposes of tuning women is underhanded, despicable and wrong…which is why I loved it so much.
Ironically Nowell is probably the only guy in the team capable of fulfilling the obligation imposed on the reader of Tuck’s shirt given that he starts to slur his speech midway through his first pint of beer.
The Fashionista
Mikey Zelinsky really would be the overwhelming favourite in this for his assortment of pajama shirts and ridiculous sun glasses, but this award goes to the dark horse of the group.
This guy obviously has an inability to differentiate between the literal and inferred meaning of a metaphor
So for wearing his wife’s pants to training to prove what a ‘big man’ he is…and then of course not turning up for the rest of the season because she said he wasn’t allowed, this award goes to…
Winner: Craig Webb, Nice Pants Craig! Seriously…what the hell?
Michael Schumacher Award
For his pinpoint late night smash derby driving Joey ‘Chops’ Tropea easily takes out this award. It really isn’t that easy to hit a small stationary target in a huge truck…so congratulations on that remarkable show of skill Chops.
For being a whiney bitch about it, Sean Millar get’s a special mention…Because it was ruining the ‘mood’ of the evening…How does getting your car smashed in ruin your mood? Come on…She should stop complaining Sean…She had her condiments cleaned free of charge. We should all be so lucky.
As a result of that evening Kevin Campbell takes out the award for Creative Interior Design.
The Reverse PBRs…
Now this award has been heavily contested all season…but…it truly is so very hard to pick. Where does one even begin?
You have Zero and his greasy chicken fingers…Tuck…and his tuckness…Grant’s Beard and back beard, Hanson’s Chicken Legs, Soft-Serves Chin Dribbling Ice-Cream fetish….
The Contenders…
Bloody hell, I can’t even sort out the Contenders.
I’m going to give this to the entire squad.
You’re all ugly as fuck and hurt my eyes. No wonder you need to import sexy Australians such as Craig Webb with his rugged good looks and ageless face.
On a side note it would only be fair to exempt that Beckham wannabe guy from this. He’s awesome.
So there it is boys and girls the end of The Nest season 2008.
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It truly was a pleasure to report on the misdeeds of this motley crew of assholes, muppets and wanna be athletes.
Good luck in 2009 boys. I have no doubt you can make the play offs and give this competition a hell of a shake!
Bring your number one fan the trophy!!
The Nest, for the final time, Over and Out
