The Nest

The Nest - Season Wrap

2008-08-03T20:36:00.001-07:00

The Nest - Season Wrap

Well unfortunately for the Fairfax Eagles, their inaugural season has come to an end, with the club missing out on the playoffs on for and against.

The club can be very proud of itself for achieving such a magnificent result in its first year. Judging by the reactions of many of the people through out the AMNRL, the club has earned a lot of respect for what it has achieved in its inaugural season.

To consistently have 25-30 guys at all games truly is a remarkable achievement.

As the club’s biggest fan I have taken it upon myself to deal out some awards that I don’t feel will be recognized in an official capacity by the club

The Sean Millar Award for Mr. Congeniality and Biggest Pest

This award really came down to two Eagle Man ‘favorites’….Sean Millar and Chad P. Carntpepper.

But how does one decide?

How does one balance the over-all doucheiness of Millar vs. the persistent annoyance of a Culpepper.

The Donald Trump hair style vs. The World’s Biggest Beak

Admittedly it might seem as though this award is rigged given that it is named after one of the contestants...

And you could be right…

Or wrong as it were.

Winner: Pinky Culpepper. At the end of the day it was just too hard to go past this guy as the club’s biggest pain in the ass. While Millar admittedly got off to a stellar start, he seemed to drop off the pace as Culpepper came steaming home, abusing women and the elderly on his way as he steamed down the douche-bag home straight and secured ‘victory’.

Millar does pick up the award for “Least Minutes as a Starter” and “Rugby League Tampon”

Toughest Player

Was it Kevin Campbell for being stitched up on the sidelines?

Was it Sea Bass for valiantly playing on despite breaking his nose 47 times?

Was it Pinky “I get knocked out on a tackle by tackle basis” Culpepper?

No.

As it turns out this award goes to a special player. One that silently battled on in the face of a debilitating injury…congratulations go to…

Winner: Jason “BJ” (for obvious reasons…see last weeks post if you’re confused..Butterball you might need your Dad to have that ‘talk’ with you in order to understand) Mayhugh. For those of you who didn’t realise, BJ played the entire season with a strained calf.

No amount of touch football, reading about the injury online , self medication and talking about calf strains ad nauseum could stop BJ from partaking in all fitness drills and team practice sessions.

Well done BJ…you are one tough non-whiney bastard.

BJ Myth Bust: On a quick side note it has filtered back to The Nest that BJ (formerly JC) was heard telling his friend that the reason he used to be called JC..before the ‘incident’…was quote

“Because people see me running at them on the field and say "Jesus Christ", as in they're intimidated by this mighty specimen galloping towards them.”

Please BJ…

Oh and just as a future reference, no teeth. That hurts.

Ridiculous Hair-Style

This really could only be one man.

Whilst many people tried valiantly through out the season to usurp him Naysan Eshraghi has this award sewn up from the minute he stepped foot onto the practice field. What let the other contenders down such as Seamen’s lawn mower do and Campbell’s Mohawk was that they were trying to look ridiculous.

No Naysan Eshraghi definitely earned this award through sheer perseverance and an unerring belief that he looked ‘cool’….This despite the fact that on several occasions women were heard to say “eeew” as they walked past him.

Winner: The Mullet Eshraghi.

Naysan also wins the “Nicest Mum that still packs him lunches and kisses him on the forehead every night after reading him Thomas the Tank Engine Award”….phew, quite a mouthful, but a prestigious award none the less.

As a consolation prize Seaman is awarded the “Best Celebrity Impersonation” for his continued refusal to stop looking like Adam Sandler.

The Hands Like Feet Award

Wow….so many top notch contenders here.

You have Danny Hanson who attempted to win the award in his one huge 5 consecutive knock on effort against the Bulls in round two.

You have Butter Ball Shimon and his bouncing breast knock-ons

You have ‘Hands’ Metcalfe and his sheer inability to not stuff up ball work at practice on Thursday nights.

But…it is just simply impossible to go against the true knock-on legend himself. The man that all people that try to be awesome at dropping balls are inevitably compared to…

Take a bow, Mr. Soft Serve Bentley.

Your dedication to unforced handling errors, inability to pass and taped up sleeves to reveal your raisin cannons are an inspiration to AMNRL fans everywhere. Congrats Dain, well earned.

Cutest Couple.

Well arguments could be made here for Chops and Kevin or Min and Andrew (don’t you just think they’d go well together??)

But I think in all fairness we’re going to have to go with Carntpepper and his mystery girlfriend. It comes as great surprise to The Nest that Pinky has been involved in a hot and heavy relationship for almost the duration of the season. This blog prides itself on keeping its ear to the ground on these matters…so when Culpepper was overheard telling fellow Eagle’s players that he had caught “The Love Flu” – as it was just overwhelming his body - he immediately earned this award for himself and his significant other.

Let’s hope that this relationship can “go all the way” with “The One” as Pinky so confidently told everyone at the Post Season Party.

Best Player Over 50

Well..considering we only have one. This is a bit of a fait accompli…

Congratulations Tuck.

Wait? He’s 21??? Bullshit….well he’s still getting the award.

Runner Up: Jeff Bush, for actually being over 50. Tough loss in this award admittedly…but those are the breaks.

The 40/20 Kick Award (Just created in light of new evidence)

Tuck…See Above. Looks 40 (at least), is 20.

Notable mention in this category: Craig Webb. Does anyone even know how old he is…I have had numerous reports, so bar cutting him open and counting the rings inside I’m going to estimate 47

Mr. Casanova Award

We were going to keep the Tuck them going here and simply say either:

a) Tuck for being Tuck or

b) Tuck for that shirt “Drink until you want me”.

However it really has to go to Henry Nowell.

Buying a dog for the express purposes of tuning women is underhanded, despicable and wrong…which is why I loved it so much.

Ironically Nowell is probably the only guy in the team capable of fulfilling the obligation imposed on the reader of Tuck’s shirt given that he starts to slur his speech midway through his first pint of beer.

The Fashionista

Mikey Zelinsky really would be the overwhelming favourite in this for his assortment of pajama shirts and ridiculous sun glasses, but this award goes to the dark horse of the group.

This guy obviously has an inability to differentiate between the literal and inferred meaning of a metaphor

So for wearing his wife’s pants to training to prove what a ‘big man’ he is…and then of course not turning up for the rest of the season because she said he wasn’t allowed, this award goes to…

Winner: Craig Webb, Nice Pants Craig! Seriously…what the hell?

Michael Schumacher Award

For his pinpoint late night smash derby driving Joey ‘Chops’ Tropea easily takes out this award. It really isn’t that easy to hit a small stationary target in a huge truck…so congratulations on that remarkable show of skill Chops.

For being a whiney bitch about it, Sean Millar get’s a special mention…Because it was ruining the ‘mood’ of the evening…How does getting your car smashed in ruin your mood? Come on…She should stop complaining Sean…She had her condiments cleaned free of charge. We should all be so lucky.

As a result of that evening Kevin Campbell takes out the award for Creative Interior Design.

The Reverse PBRs…

Now this award has been heavily contested all season…but…it truly is so very hard to pick. Where does one even begin?

You have Zero and his greasy chicken fingers…Tuck…and his tuckness…Grant’s Beard and back beard, Hanson’s Chicken Legs, Soft-Serves Chin Dribbling Ice-Cream fetish….

The Contenders…

Bloody hell, I can’t even sort out the Contenders.

I’m going to give this to the entire squad.

You’re all ugly as fuck and hurt my eyes. No wonder you need to import sexy Australians such as Craig Webb with his rugged good looks and ageless face.

On a side note it would only be fair to exempt that Beckham wannabe guy from this. He’s awesome.

So there it is boys and girls the end of The Nest season 2008.

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It truly was a pleasure to report on the misdeeds of this motley crew of assholes, muppets and wanna be athletes.

Good luck in 2009 boys. I have no doubt you can make the play offs and give this competition a hell of a shake!

Bring your number one fan the trophy!!

The Nest, for the final time, Over and Out

The Nest Report - 29 July 2008

2008-07-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome Eagles Fans

First and foremost a big congratulations to the players on their recent victory over the Fight and gallant loss to arch rival the DC Slayers.

Well done boys! Looks like you'll miss out on the finals by a bee's dick, which is quite a feat for a club in it's first season.

Now on to the facts

Oh Dear Min....

Min Sae Chae/Cumof Sum YungBoi... or 'New Tuck' certainly posed an interesting hypothetical on the weekend... one that most men find so utterly repulsive that they can't manage to make a decision one way or the other.

Because I find it pretty reprehensible let's just put it this way. If there wasn't a choice...life or death, would you take ass or mouth?

Pretty sickening stuff right? Friar Tuck sick right?

What most players didn't need to hear though is Jason 'JC' Mayhugh's deep level of thought into the issue.

Having obviously watched one too many Jenna Jameson flicks JC chose to go the pillow biting route as, quote : "if you were on your knees you would have to look up at them as you were doing it and stare into their eyes. I'm not really sure if I'm about that. A person's eyes are the level on which you make a connection. It'd make it an intimate experience. It'd be too gay. I'd have to get pounded I think."....

Yes Jason, that may very well be true, but it is a hell of a lot less gay than that statement you just made.

Congrats JC...a career as a fluffer no doubt awaits you.

Captain Courageous

The Nest would like to congratulate James 'Chemo' Lewis on assuming the captaincy against the Bulls from Mikey Zelinsky who was out of action with a case of black balls.

In what is likely to be his only outing as captain, Lewis bravely inspired the Eagles to their worst ever loss in an 88-0 hammering.

Well done Chemo!

Simply inspirational stuff.

No You Shut Up

Coach for the day Mikey Zelinsky came off second best in a battle of high stake witty remarks with a Aston Bulls dunce last weekend.

College graduate Zelinsky was simply no match for the Aston Bulls sideline pundit.

The 40 year old elementary school student completed outclassed Zelinsky in the battle of wits as the pair traded insults. Zelinsky put his loss in the verbal stoush down to his understanding that only sticks and stones could break his bones, and a rock solid belief that he was rubber and that other guy was glue.

No doubt Mikey will think twice before taking on someone with a 4th grade reading level again!

Give that Man a Pabst

This weeks refreshing Pabst goes to club Prima Donna, John "If you call me a Prima Donna again I'll quit the club...no I won't do anymore push ups" Young.

Young finally decided to roll up his sleeves against the bulls rather than just being content with combing his hair and looking pretty on the wing. In the process of actually trying, John turned in a very good on field performance and figured out he had some rugby league ability.

Much to The Nest's astonishment Young earned himself the club's prestigious player of the week award...and thus some begrudging 'praise' in this blog.

So yeah...well done John. Good stuff.

In all seriousness though the club would like to thank John for changing his mind about defecting to the the DC slayers. Without you John, the club wouldn't have an example of what a good trainer isn't.

So thanks for that John. Very noble of you to grace us with your presence.

Now drop and give me Twenty!

Peg Leg Scot

The flying Scotsman Steven Grant has been tragically cut down by a broken leg. Grant suffered the injury in the clubs heavy loss against the Bulls last weekend.

The Scot is said to be recovering well at home, and is reportedly happy that he now has a viable excuse for refusing to help out with any household chores. Mrs Grant is also no doubt equally pleased to have some respite from being mounted by a hairy kilted bear on a nightly basis.

Privately club officials are hoping that this injury may drive Grant into retirement to stop him from selecting himself every week.

As a fan one can only hope.

Super Size My Soft Serve

The Nest has been inundated with consistent reports of Dain 'Soft Serve' Bentley terrorizing a DC McDonald's early last Sunday morning.

Bentley apparently had gone on a religious quest for a late night soft serve ice cream (as you do...if you're 2 years old and teething) that in the end yielded no result.

Unfortunately for Bentley they just don't serve ice cream in a cone past 2am.

After abusing the ordering electronic voting booth an outraged Bentley reportedly was seen bashing on the service window demanding that the (quote) "beaners" inside give him a soft serve out of the machine...or else he'd have to exercise his 2nd amendment rights, or at the very least would need to see work permits. Tough words indeed from a man more used to having his ass handed to him on a consistent basis than not.

After eventually being talked down from pistols at dawn, Bentley was later seen at a local all night 7-11 fist deep in a tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice-Cream whilst chatting amicably with a couple of women old enough to be his mother.

Why he chose to eat the ice-cream with his bare hands remains a mystery.

The working theory at this stage - based on the amount of ice cream visible on Bentley's hands, shirt and face - was that he was trying to trigger the maternal instinct in the two cougars in the hope that they would take him home.

What Bentley failed to realize is that post menopausal women are unlikely to have the desire or need for a ice-creamed covered baby to get into their car, small penis or not.

Rumors that Bentley was spotted in a late night Dairy Queen at Jersey Shore have been flooding in....stay tuned on that one.

Chad C#$@pepper....

Well it had to happen again....

Without getting into too much detail, because frankly I've wasted far too many kilobytes of precious internet space on this character, here is a brief run down of Pinky's night at the shore:

1. Get belligerently drunk
2. Chase every good looking girl off the dance floor
3. Chase every moderately attractive girl off the dance floor
4. Chase every horror story off the dance floor.
5. Call a girl a C word
6. End up nose to beak (his) with said C word
7. End up back to ground after C word has just broken your beak for the umpteenth time.
8. Apologize meekly to C word that she really isn't a C word after all...

Yes, according to reports, getting dominated by his fellow team mates in wrestling matches just isn't enough for Pinky after a drinking session. He also enjoys being knocked out by 95 pound blonde's who then force him to apologize to their friends as a pastime.

Pinky no doubt really is the kind of cast-iron jaw fella that Salt and Peppa were singing about in "What a Man"

So there it is folks....

Yet another week, yet another Eagle drama.

Seems this club, and some players in particular, just can't stay out of the headlines.

Until next time.

The Nest

xoxo

The Nest Report - 17 July 2008

2008-07-17T10:13:00.001-07:00

Welcome to The Nest Eagles Fans

After a slightly disappointing outing against the Sharks last weekend the team is said to be in high spirits for this weeks clash against the league leading Bulls.

Good luck to the boys and lets hope you can spring an upset!

And the hits just keep on coming...

For for fast talking Kevin Campbell that is. Campbell was opened up like a brief case over his left eye on the weekend by a Shark's player's 'elbow charge' gone 'wrong' (or right?). Fortunately for Campbell the club's own medical officer/player Beaker was on hand to stitch him up on the sidelines whilst still in full playing gear.

What this does for Campbell's PBRanking is unclear - though it seems that once and for the myth that 'chicks dig scars' can finally be disproved once and for all.

Give That Man a Pabst

Congratulations to club baby and prodigious talent Naysan Eshragi on winning his first man of the match award for the season. Naysan showed plenty of courage at the weekend and probably just edged out his opposing rival in the rat-tail-off.

Keep 'em coming Naysan....and get a hair cut!

Seeing Double...

Just what is it about the power of the rat's tail? Call it co-incidence if you may, but onlookers were certainly left scratching their heads when the man of the match from both the Sharks and the Eagles were both seen sporting rat's tails at the post match function.

Given the superstitious nature of many players in the league, don't be surprised to see more players adopting the sexy new, and seemingly magical. look.

I have it on good authority that Dain Bentley has been secretly praying to the rat's tail Gods in the hope of a set of hands to call his own.

Once You Go Black...

Club Captain Mikey Zelinsky has finally able to live out his fantasy of having a visible penis on his person. After taking an almighty blow to the nether regions on the weekend, Zelinsky was said to have been left sporting a penis that only team mate Bucket Ass Tim could topple in color..

Unfortunately for Zelinski whilst he may have received a little black ink in his pen, it didn't help inflate the over all figure.

The Marathon Man

Jeff 'The Silver Fox' Bush stunned all Eagles players and fans when he was able to complete a full game of rugby league without substitution on the weekend. In what was a truly inspirational piece of endurance Bush was able to play without the aid of his walking frame and did not need to come off once to use his respirator.

Bush was a huge hit with the lone 75 year old female sitting in the stands as he showed the boys in the league that he's still got the hip swivel and hot step that made him a household name in US Rugby back in the 1940's.

Well done Bush! You and an inspiration to pensioners everywhere.

Grey is the New Black.

Whilst on Bush, The Nest has it on good authority that Bush and his notorious offsiders Kris Shwartz and John O'Donnell were involved in a physical altercation in a local Herndon bar at the weekend with three men from a neighboring state.

Tensions apparently boiled over when Bush pointed out that the classic 'no toothed mullet' the 3 West Virgina men in question were sporting would be far more 'magical' as rat's tails.

Man Mountain Kris was soon being subdued from the vice like death grip he had on one of the hill billies by Bush who then escorted him outside in order to calm hostilities. Conversely OD, being a man of negotiation, was forced to give up 'that there purdi Eagle shirt you be sportin' in order to get out of the bar in one piece. Courageous.

Just a couple of young 45+ year old bucks blowing off a little steam on a Saturday night hey gents?

They Can't Run Without Legs

Club debutant Chad 'Hands' Metcalfe certainly took the old Rugby League adage to new heights on the weekend when he performed what can only be described as a cannon ball tackle on his opposing front rower. Having earlier been bumped off for going high, Metcalfe launched himself in spectacular fashion, knocking his opponent over like a tenpin. The sight of Metcalfe performing that tackle was a great deal better than that of him running around the field shirtless, sporting his now trade mark wife beater tan.

Mmmmm Sexy.

Ok fans

That is all for this week.

Before sure to check in next week to find out whether Butter Ball's speaking ban has been lifted and just how few minutes JC played.

If you hear any Eagles rumors - true or false - be sure to let me know!

The Nest

Over and Out

The Nest Report - 8 July 2007

2008-07-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome Eagles Fans

After a tumultuous few weeks which involved a non-game against the Slayers and a 4th of July weekend break, it is good to see things are slowly returning to normality for the Eagles.

The Eagles are away this week and will look to notch their second win of the season and get their fledgling AMNRL season back on track after the recent disruptions.

Give That Man a Pabst

The club would like to congratulate resident fat ass Joey 'My Other Boyfriend hasn't got an Adam's apple I swear' Tropea on his selection in a US representative rugby union squad.

Whilst this will effect his ability to train with the Eagles the club fully supports his pursuit of higher honors. Club officials assure me that his unavailability for training will not effect his status with the club as it only confirms what a soft marshmallow dumpling of a man he is for playing the 'other' code.

Congratulations Chops!

Scottish Bells A' Ringin'

Further congratulations from the club go out to club President Steven Grant who has headed back to his Scottish homeland to elope with his long term partner. After a short seven year period of convincing from his partner Grant was reportedly eager to tie the knot before his hairline receded back past his neck.

Grant was said to be absolutely beaming as he was, in Scottish tradition, given away by his Father to the sound of a blazing bag pipe choir and Mel Gibson shouting "Freedom" . The other Scottish tradition of the lifting of the veiled kilt was something that most in attendance could have done without.

What this does mean is that Grant is able to stay in the US on a permanent basis, something many citizens were keen to avoid.

High Praise

Pinky Culpepper was allegedly spotted in a Clarendon night spot offering some friendly advice to the young professionals of the area. Eagle Man understand that Culpepper has since backed away from his comments to a young prosecutor who Culpepper now insists does not hate her job, did not attend a quote 'shitty' law school and is not a C...word.

Whether or not this happened before or after Culpepper was spotted throwing up at the bar is unclear at the present moment.

Yankee Doodle Dainy

In order to lift the spirits of his nation and to revive the flagging prospects of the GOP at the coming elections club gun slinger Dain 'Centrist' Bentley entertained a host of people with his Uncle Sam uniform at recent 4 July celebrations in north west DC.

Bentley was seen screaming "I want you" at a bunch of confused college girl ivory tower elitists who, according to Uncle Dain, were no doubt on their way to a flag burning ceremony where raging liberals would figure out ways to waste more and more of his tax dollars.

Dain then celebrated his successful exercising of his third amendments rights by ensuring that no soldiers were quartered in his house upon his return.

Love is in the Air

Rumors persist that club serial pest and sometimes player Sean Millar and a certain low profile Herdon bartender are an official lovey dovey item. Millar was unavailable for comment, so we'll comment for him and confirm the whole thing. It only seems fair.

Sources indicate that Millar was spotted shopping for a tandem bike and his n her helmets - which only add more fuel to the story.

Will he be the next Eagle to wed? Perhaps not, but no doubt Steve Grant has his ceremonial kilt at the ready.

Stupid Hair Cuts - A Tale of Warning

Not to be outdone by Christian Seabass' ridiculous hair cut the previous week Kevin 'Soup Can' Campbell took it upon himself to enter into the race to the bottom of the PBRankings.

Campbell showed up to the game sporting a landing strip on his head that his local Brazilian waxer and beautician would have been proud of in an attempt to look 'mean'. Unfortunately for Campbell the plan backfired when he was arrested for loitering out of the front of the Holocaust Museum. Campbell's publicist Mel Gibson has labeled the charges of inciting racism and hatred as 'ridiculous' and all part of a broader plot to discredit white Americans.

The Nest would like to come to Campbell's defense and put this on the record. Whilst he might look tough and intimidating, he really is just a big fairy.

It will be interesting to see how the battle for the wooden spoon of sexual icons plays out within the Eagles this year. There are plenty of favorites emerging already. My tip - The dark horse could very well be Dain Bentley....he's not pretty.

Whilst on Campbell...

The up shoot in burglaries, petty crime and car jacking since Campbell's July 4 weekend return to the 'greatest city in the world' aka Pittsburgh has been played down as coincidental by the club. The Nest would like to once again submit the fairy defense on Campbell's behalf.

Well there you have it folks, a slightly quieter week for the Eagles players, no doubt mostly to do with Steve Grant's overseas lovers jaunt and Andrew Reddy's quiet weekend away to couple's resort in North Carolina - Who did he go with? Find out next week.

Good luck to the team this week!

The Nest Out!

The Nest Report - 26 June 2008

2008-06-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome Eagles Fans

First and foremost Eagle Man would like to take the time to congratulate the Fairfax Eagles on the club's first ever win. The first one is without doubt the sweetest and I'm sure it will be remembered by all those that participated for a long time.

The Eagles are constantly evolving and improving and can look to many more victories in the future.

Now onto the good stuff!

Give That Man a Pabst

Eagle Man would like to take the time to congratulate club President Steven Grant on all his successes with the team with a large chilled glass of refreshing ice-cold chilled Pabst Blue Ribbon amber ale. In between rehearsing for his bag pipe marching band, getting his back waxed and plotting the freedom of Scotland from the English, Steven has placed a great deal of time and resources into the club. To get a win on his birthday (47th?) must of been especially sweet. Grant was known to have partied on into the late hours of Sunday morning. Well deserved Steve! Congratulations.

Get That Man a Navigator

The club would like to congratulate Dain Bentley and Mikey Zelinski on over-shooting the Philadelphia Fight home ground by roughly a state on the weekend. Bentley has subsequently claimed that he was merely showing foreigner Zelinski the New Jersey 'sights' whilst Zelinski was thought to have been too busy chatting up the Australian sounding GPS device to listen to it's instructions fully...This is not surprising as Zelinski very rarely listens to anyone bar himself, particularly those of female extraction.

Hypothetically Speaking....

Eagle Man would like to give a big confused WTF out to club prop and resident chick magnet Friar Tuck, who stunned team members with his variety of 'hypothetical' questions on the way home from the game.

"Who would you sleep with in the team if he was a girl" was a question that I'm sure not many rugby league guys would have contemplated prior to the trip home from Phili, Dain Bentley aside. The fact that Tuck went on to state that he would chose Steve Grant, due to his stylish kilted attire (makes the guy appear more womanly apparently) was equally disturbing. Allegations that club captain Mikey Zelinski would pick himself remain unconfirmed.

Eagle Man would also like to commend The Friar for his tremendous literacy skills. The man's ability to read is perhaps best demonstrated via his suggestion that all Eagle's players grab themselves a 'wig' from the 'Wings' store.... This would have been even more hilarious, if not for the fact that this wig agenda was probably part of some sexual 'hypothetical' fetish....you never know until you try, right Tuck?

A Mind Corrupted - A Team Horrified

It was this line of questioning/perverse thinking that no doubt corrupted the impressionable mind of Eagle prop Joey 'Chops' Tropea. Eagle Man has it on good authority that Chops was seen grinding on a dance-floor with a 6ft 4 'woman', whose Adam's Apple would have had William Tell licking his lips. This all occurred much to the delight of club perv Friar Tuck who couldn't believe his luck whilst watching on from a dark bar corner. The Eagles would like to wish Chops' 'girl' all the best in her world's largest hands and penis competition next week. 'She' is more than welcome to come a play Rugby League at any time in the future and would no doubt look forward to packing down into some scrums.

Pin Point Accuracy

Whilst on Tropea, Eagle Man would like to applaud him for his excellent example of driving with pin point accuracy on Saturday night. To be able to hit the only car, whilst reversing, in an empty car park takes a level of skill that only a true driving champion can hope to accomplish. The fact that he was able to hit such a small stationary target in his huge beast of a truck is testament to his never say 'DUI' attitude.

Better Luck Next Time

The ol' 'bring a puppy to a bar and the chicks will come running' tactic appears to have run it's course if Saturday night's effort from Henry Nowell is anything to go by. In a move that many have viewed as desperation Nowell was seen harassing local Fairfax County women on Saturday night whilst asking them to 'stroke his puppy'. The sight of a defeated Nowell curled up with his little dog at the end of the night seemed indicative of the relative success of the ploy. The question remains, where to from here for Nowell in his quest to pursue women? Flowers? Diamond Rings? Out and out begging? Friar Tuck? Only time will tell...

Another Sean Millar Low Point

In what is becoming tiresome, Sean Millar hit yet another low point on the weekend. Just when you think he has hit rock bottom, the man finds a ledge to roll off. Obviously rattled by his plummeting PBRank, Millar was seen trying to escort 5 women out of a local Herdon bar on Saturday night - no doubt in a desperate ploy to look like some sort of 'stud' in front of his less than impressed Rugby League comrades. Unfortunately for Millar it only counts for something if you can close the deal on one, rather than blow your chances, and those of your friends, with all five...Reports have Millar sleeping on the floor of one of the aforementioned females' apartments next to Friar Tuck, which is something best left to discussions on trips home from Philadelphia.

Millar all but confirmed his reputation as softest man in the AMNRL on the weekend after contributing 4 'brave' minutes to the Eagle cause (a personal record) prior to being injured. He truly is a Rugby League tampon. In for a week, out for a month!

Speaking of PBRranking...

Female Eagle Fan's have been left gob smacked by Christian Seaman's pitiful attempts to get himself noticed as a sex icon with his new hair 'style'. In what can only be described as a losing fight with a lawn-mower, Seamen has left fans wondering if there is a place below last in the club's pretty boy rankings. Eagle Man still admires Seamen for his desire to push the limitations of looking ridiculous. For a guy's hair to look worse when he is on leave than when he is in the army is no mean feat!

Cleaning Tips with Kevin Campbell.

House-wives all over the US have been stunned by the revelation that you can now get whiter than white whites through the creative use of condiments in your cleaning. In a move that has broken with tradition ,Campbell insists that all one needs to do to ensure a perfect wash cycle every time is to empty the entire contents of a fridge, or pantry, into the washing machine along with any offending dirty laundry. The fact that 'solidly' built Campbell's clothes are normally covered in all sorts of sauce stains probably accounts for this way of thinking.

Next Week on CTKC: How urine helps keep your bathroom clean!

Wow! What a week!

Next week the Eagles are up against local rivals the DC Slayers in what promises to be a fierce local derby.

Of course your eye witness Eagle Man will be there to report it - warts and all.

Go Eagles!

The Nest - OUT

The Nest Report 17 June 2008

2008-06-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Hello Eagle Fans

There is plenty to talk about, not least of all the self destructive nature of the Eagles outfit, who seem determined to break the AMNRL all-time record for handling errors.

The Eagles showed a lot of courage against a physical and experienced Bulls outfit who pulled no punches in attack and defense. As their number one fan, I took great pride in the club registering it's first ever premiership bonus point.

The Eagles hit the road next week to take on the Fight in Phili, so make sure you pack plenty of maroon in your travel bags to show your support for this great team! The Nest will be cheering on heartily and hopes to be heard over a parochial and large Fight crowd.

Intercept King

After knocking himself senseless in round one trying to tackle, Eagles import Naysan Eshraghi was able to avoid any additional body contact/head tackling by taking a beautifully timed intercept in the early stages of the game. Like a thief in the night Naysan dashed away 90 meters to score his first ever try for the club with his long mane flowing beautifully as he majestically strode away from the pursuing Bulls players. Eshraghi still has a long way to go though to come good on his early season 'guarantee' of being the club's leading try scorer this season. We wish him luck in his endeavor.

On the subject of head tackling, Joey 'Chops' Tropea was given a free trip to Disney Land courtesy of the Aston Bulls after being heavily concussed taking a hit up in the latter stages of the match. The club is hopeful that the trend of bouncing back with a 90 metre try after being knocked out continues next week. The club is still awaiting the results of scans to prove whether or not Tropea has a functioning human brain.

International Eagle Fans

Eagle Man would like to take the time to welcome Naysan's mother to the official Eagles Fan Club. It is lovely to see the club followed by family and fans abroad! As his full-time carer, baby sitter and publicist Mrs Eshraghi was nice enough to look out for little Naysan by inundating Eagle Man with threats to have Naysan on the next plane out of Washington DC if Eagle Man didn't publish positive news about the Aussie import sensation.

Being one that isn't easily intimidated, not to mention a huge proponent of freedom of speech and of the press, Eagle Man would like to say that Naysan Eshraghi is quite possibly the best rugby league player he has ever seen and is definitely on his way to the Rugby League Hall of Fame. Go Naysy Waysy!

Not so Pretty No More...

Sean Millar has seen his Pretty Boy Ranking (PBR! What an apt time to mention the cool refreshing drink that is Pabst Blue Ribbon beer) stocks plummet amongst female fans after he was allegedly spotted throwing up not only onto himself but also into a schooner glass at a Herdon night spot on Saturday night. Millar's plight was worsened by the fact he was attempting to entertain a few Eagles' female fans, with word quickly spreading amongst the female fan base of his vulgarity and light weight drinking efforts - a huge no no for Rugby League pin ups.

Millar was already under pressure to retain his PBR after refusing to take the field on Saturday. Millar was seen complaining of 'soreness' and more obscurely a 'lack of respect' from the Eagles organization. Watch this space as tensions continue to mount between the club and it's soon to be benched hooker.

Chad P.(The Nest has found out the P is for Pinky) Culpepper's volunteering of himself as a candidate for the position of 'number 2 pretty boy' has been taken under advisement with the size of the beak that Chad passes off as a nose a concern to female fans. Culpepper insisted at the time of writing that his nose was only that big temporarily - the result of breaking it in a heavy tackle on the weekend - however an analysis of historical photos of the man has thus far proven otherwise. Culpepper refused to comment on rumors that he was forced into submission by the new temporary import, and noted fly weight, Tim Zelinsky on no less than four occassions in a bit of late night defensive practice. My mail is that it happened.

Meanwhile new club captain Mikey Zelinsky's campy array of tight and bright shirts have seen him strengthen his vice like grip on the club pretty boy title, with his appeal not only to women but also to men simply unmatched and providing a boon for the clubs membership drive. The Eagles now have the largest gay fan base in the AMNRL. Thanks Mike!

Zelinsky is said to be confident at holding off a potential challenger in John 'I'm wasted on the wing' Young who has declared not only his intentions to become the Eagle's star outside back but also to arrest the coveted No. 1 PBR from Zelinsky.

Give That Man a Pabst

Eagle Man's tall glass of delicious, chilled and bubbly Pabst Blue Ribbon amber gold brew (seriously how good is Pabst?) definitely goes to club cult hero Andrew 'The Bobcat' Reddy. Reddy has ignited the club's supporter base with his courageous on-field running and duking against much bigger opponents in what has proved to be a real 'break out' (just ask him) season for him thus far. Reddy has been one of the clubs most improved players and it would be interesting to see what he was capable of if he had two functioning shoulders.

Special mention goes to Tim 'J-LO' Hardmon who motored to the try line powered by his enormously huge and ostentatious rear quarters in the dying minutes of Saturday's match thereby securing a bonus point for the club. The sight of all that trunked junk in a pair of custom made shorts was truly a sight to behold and will no doubt have physicists scrambling over themselves to measure the remarkable kinetic forces at play. To score the last try of the match was a great effort by the Eagles and showed tremendous character.

Get That Man a Lawyer

Eagle Man expresses his concern at Dain Bentley's flagrant disregard of his marital commitments at the weekend. As a family club, The Nest was particularly disheartened at Bentley's refusal to leave a notorious Eagles hang out despite repeated requests from his wife to do so. Ignoring protests from his significant other, Bentley was determined to stay and lecture the side on politics and morality. In contrast to the club's squeaky clean family imagine Bentley appeared more interested in voicing his support for Barrack Obama and Universal Health Care in a beer fueled slurring oration than fulfilling his home duties. No doubt Dain intends to raise the other 'must have' dinner conversation topics of money and religion at the next official team function.

On a similar note Eagle Man would like to express his admiration of club founder and inaugural five eighth Craig Webb who abandoned his teammates so readily at his wife's behest to attend the wedding of some distant friend or cousin...or something. That is the sort of man you can build a club around! Go Craig!

Dancing Queen

Club stalwart and old boy Danny Hanson was allegedly spotted at Herdon night spot Ned Devines drowning his sorrows after having a game to forget. In a match where handling errors were a premium, Hanson was a knock on super star. In the driving rain it must be said that Hanson had a better chance of catching a cold than a rugby league football and he did the right thing by hooking himself before someone more Australian had to. Back at Devines, Hanson enthralled patrons with his robotic dance floor movements and Frankenstein impersonations as he cut a totem pole like figure in amongst women and men less than half his age. Eagle Man says, if you've got it, flaunt it...so Danny....take that as you will.

Welcome back Judas

The club's prodigal son Kevin 'I'm wider than I am tall' Campbell makes his belated return to the squad after picking up his 30 pieces of silver at a recent Rugby Union 7's tournament. The Nest understands that Campbell found playing Rugby League in the centers far too physical for his delicate frame and that he was looking for a week off from the rigors of playing in the backs by having a trot around on the 7's field. We hope you're well rested Kev. I'll come and have a chat to you...on the bench!

Well that's all of the mail this week.

Stay tuned for more outrageous Eagle News from The Nest

Oh and have a little something on Henry Nowell as first try scorer. The kid is a speed demon.

Over and Out

The Nest

The Nest Report - 10 June

2008-06-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

Eagle Man reporting.

The Fairfax Eagles went down in their first ever match in a tough and physical encounter with local rivals the DC Slayers going down 14-40. The match set the scene for what should be a healthy rivalry between two proud clubs in the years to come.

It is an old cliché but Rugby League was the winner on the day. For both clubs to have over 25 guys suited up and playing the sport was a momentous occasion for the game in Northern Virginia.

Congratulations must go to both clubs for this top effort!

The Eagles certainly did Eagle Man and the Eagle Fan Club proud.

I expect to see a great deal of improvement from this squad as they play more rugby league together. Hopefully we don't see anymore "holy crap these guys want to BASH me" 10 minute periods such as at the start of the game where the team looked more prepared for a game of Soft Ball than a contact sport.

Fire up boys!

It must be said though that despite the poor start it took a great deal of courage and character to fight back to 16-14 at half time. The Eagles actually played some outstanding periods of play and looked the better side in patches. The side looked to be well in the match until some poor penalties and lazy errors gave the game away in the second stanza.

Credit must go to the Slayers who played a very tough and physical brand of Rugby League and were tactically superior to the Eagles.

The next local derby in two weeks time should be a cracker!

The Nest was also impressed at the sportsmanship of the Slayers players who took the time to attend the Eagles post match function and support an important Eagles sponsor 'The Wing House'

Give That Man a Pabst

Special mention goes to Eagle 'winger' (pun intended) and noted 'flier' (wow two in one sentence) Henry Nowell who scored the clubs first ever try.

Club President Steve 'We Shall Have Our Freedom' Grant was known to have been privately seething and tearing out the few remaining hairs on his head at having been denied the opportunity to cross the chalk for the first ever Fairfax Eagles T-R-Y.

Grant was later placated when it was pointed out that he would be lucky to ever cross the try line in a game of Rugby League given his lack of speed, skill or agility.

Someone Tell That Guy to Lay Off the Pabst

Chad P. Culpepper learned a valuable lesson on the weekend, earning himself the dubious distinction of first ever Eagle to visit the sin bin. Culpepper, an engineer, was adamant that he was merely seeking 'clarification' on some technical aspects/specifications of the game so that he could produce a more efficient outcome in the future.

Rugby league historians are currently investigating whether Culpepper is in fact the first player to ever be sin binned on debut.

Eagle Rumor

Sean Millar was allegedly seen pestering women around a local Herndon bar on Saturday evening asking them whether they had 'seen' his try earlier that day. Despite having only fallen over the line it is rumored that Millar was exaggerating the length and significance of his achievement much like he is known to with certain elements of his anatomy. Millar is known to be furious at being runner up in the official club pretty boy stakes and has let officials know his feelings on the matter. Millar has been linked to a trade to a less handsome club where he is investigating the possibility of playing for a team where his looks will be more appreciated.

Injury Update

The Nest is hopeful that starting hooker Steve Grant can recover in time from his badly bruised pinkie finger in time for round two. Grant is said to have been in agony for the duration of the round one match, or more specifically the entire 15 minutes that he took the field, courageously playing on despite feeling the effects of the injury and the searing pain that only those who have ever bruised a finger can fully appreciate.

Get well Steven!

Naysan Estrangi is expected to be passed fit to play despite forgetting which country he was in after a Sonny Bill Shoulder charge gone wrong on the weekend left him severely concussed. Estrangi seemed to have forgotten that whilst he may have Samoan blood, he doesn't have the physique and would be best to put the shoulder charging back in the kit bag for the remainder of the season. If he looks in that kit bag he might also find a pair of hair clippers for a desperately needed haircut. Speculation that it was Estrangi's rat tail that impaired his vision leading to the miscalculated shoulder charge is being investigated by club officials.

Cheerio Eh' Bro

The Nest wishes a warm farewell to captain Jordan Barber who has had to return to England for an urgent personal matter. Barber is hopeful he will be able to return once his affairs are in order. The Nest certainly hopes to see him return for a few more matches this AMNRL season with his 'colorful' half time speeches a match highlight.

On to Round Two

The Nest expects a continued improvement from all players as individuals and as a collective and expects the side to do well against AMNRL powerhouse the Aston Bulls.

The Eagles will look to build on some impressive patches of play and look for a strong showing against such a formidable opposition.

Until next time

Go the Eagles!

Eagle Man out.

The Nest Report - 29 May 2008

2008-05-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

Eagle Fan Update

Things are looking good at The Nest this year.

All the boys have been working hard in preparation of what should be a fun year at the Fairfax Eagles for the 2008 AMNRL season. The boys have quickly formed a tightly nit playing group and all look forward to the honor of pulling on the club colors for the Eagles in their first ever game.

Player turn outs for practice have been great with all players putting in the requisite time and effort to ensure that they are ready to launch the 2008 AMNRL season with a bang. As a fan of the club I have watched all of the practices with keen interest and can certainly see a few surprise packets emerging from this eclectic mix of rugby league talent.

Special mention must go to club President, the ‘ever green’ Steve Grant who continues to persist with his lack of passing skills in all drills. Keep it up Steve, you’re a constant inspiration to back rowers everywhere, that one day they can retire to the front row where they belong.

Give that man a Pabst

Congratulations to Kiwi sensation Jordan ‘Smarter than the Average’ Barber who has been awarded the inaugural Eagles captaincy. Whilst most guys won’t understand a word he is saying, they will no doubt be inspired by the hair bear’s gallant runs and inspirational defence.

Go Yogi!

Eagle Fan’s Tip

Naysan ‘Billy Ray’ Eshragi is sure to astound all on lookers, not so much for his playing talent (which is questionable), but for his flowing rat’s tail that would not look out of place in a Garnier commercial exclusively directed towards trailer trash. Look for him to build up a quick cult following amongst the club’s fan base and local hair stylists. Mmmmmmmmm Sexy!

On a more somber note

The club’s thoughts and prayers are with Coach Tom Reed who has recently had to return to England for an urgent family matter. All the best Tom to you and your family.

Welcome to The Nest

2008-05-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to The Nest!

The Nest is your only true and independent news source for all things Fairfax Eagles. We aim to cover and report objectively on all of the thrills, spills, scandals and gossip from inside the Eagles Camp in AMNRL 2008.

Want the inside scoop on your favourite player? The Nest has its ear to the ground.

Want to know Coach Tom 'Papa Smurf' Reed's dietary secrets? The Nest has the low down.

Want to know how Michael Zelinsky squeezes himself into those lycra tight shirts? The Nest thinks you're gay.

So strap yourself in dear reader for what promises to be a sultry, steamy, summer of salacious scandal, Rugby League and intrigue