The Nest Report - 8 July 2007

Welcome Eagles Fans

After a tumultuous few weeks which involved a non-game against the Slayers and a 4th of July weekend break, it is good to see things are slowly returning to normality for the Eagles.

The Eagles are away this week and will look to notch their second win of the season and get their fledgling AMNRL season back on track after the recent disruptions.

Give That Man a Pabst

The club would like to congratulate resident fat ass Joey 'My Other Boyfriend hasn't got an Adam's apple I swear' Tropea on his selection in a US representative rugby union squad.

Whilst this will effect his ability to train with the Eagles the club fully supports his pursuit of higher honors. Club officials assure me that his unavailability for training will not effect his status with the club as it only confirms what a soft marshmallow dumpling of a man he is for playing the 'other' code.

Congratulations Chops!

Scottish Bells A' Ringin'

Further congratulations from the club go out to club President Steven Grant who has headed back to his Scottish homeland to elope with his long term partner. After a short seven year period of convincing from his partner Grant was reportedly eager to tie the knot before his hairline receded back past his neck.

Grant was said to be absolutely beaming as he was, in Scottish tradition, given away by his Father to the sound of a blazing bag pipe choir and Mel Gibson shouting "Freedom" . The other Scottish tradition of the lifting of the veiled kilt was something that most in attendance could have done without.

What this does mean is that Grant is able to stay in the US on a permanent basis, something many citizens were keen to avoid.

High Praise

Pinky Culpepper was allegedly spotted in a Clarendon night spot offering some friendly advice to the young professionals of the area. Eagle Man understand that Culpepper has since backed away from his comments to a young prosecutor who Culpepper now insists does not hate her job, did not attend a quote 'shitty' law school and is not a C...word.

Whether or not this happened before or after Culpepper was spotted throwing up at the bar is unclear at the present moment.

Yankee Doodle Dainy

In order to lift the spirits of his nation and to revive the flagging prospects of the GOP at the coming elections club gun slinger Dain 'Centrist' Bentley entertained a host of people with his Uncle Sam uniform at recent 4 July celebrations in north west DC.

Bentley was seen screaming "I want you" at a bunch of confused college girl ivory tower elitists who, according to Uncle Dain, were no doubt on their way to a flag burning ceremony where raging liberals would figure out ways to waste more and more of his tax dollars.

Dain then celebrated his successful exercising of his third amendments rights by ensuring that no soldiers were quartered in his house upon his return.

Love is in the Air

Rumors persist that club serial pest and sometimes player Sean Millar and a certain low profile Herdon bartender are an official lovey dovey item. Millar was unavailable for comment, so we'll comment for him and confirm the whole thing. It only seems fair.

Sources indicate that Millar was spotted shopping for a tandem bike and his n her helmets - which only add more fuel to the story.

Will he be the next Eagle to wed? Perhaps not, but no doubt Steve Grant has his ceremonial kilt at the ready.


Stupid Hair Cuts - A Tale of Warning

Not to be outdone by Christian Seabass' ridiculous hair cut the previous week Kevin 'Soup Can' Campbell took it upon himself to enter into the race to the bottom of the PBRankings.

Campbell showed up to the game sporting a landing strip on his head that his local Brazilian waxer and beautician would have been proud of in an attempt to look 'mean'. Unfortunately for Campbell the plan backfired when he was arrested for loitering out of the front of the Holocaust Museum. Campbell's publicist Mel Gibson has labeled the charges of inciting racism and hatred as 'ridiculous' and all part of a broader plot to discredit white Americans.

The Nest would like to come to Campbell's defense and put this on the record. Whilst he might look tough and intimidating, he really is just a big fairy.

It will be interesting to see how the battle for the wooden spoon of sexual icons plays out within the Eagles this year. There are plenty of favorites emerging already. My tip - The dark horse could very well be Dain Bentley....he's not pretty.

Whilst on Campbell...

The up shoot in burglaries, petty crime and car jacking since Campbell's July 4 weekend return to the 'greatest city in the world' aka Pittsburgh has been played down as coincidental by the club. The Nest would like to once again submit the fairy defense on Campbell's behalf.



Well there you have it folks, a slightly quieter week for the Eagles players, no doubt mostly to do with Steve Grant's overseas lovers jaunt and Andrew Reddy's quiet weekend away to couple's resort in North Carolina - Who did he go with? Find out next week.

Good luck to the team this week!

The Nest Out!